To Sephiroth: My Virginity
by stonykitten
Summary: Sephiroth was the boys everything from the very begining and until the darkness comes he will continue to be Cloud's everything. Non-slash  unless you squint and pick at my humor


You were the very first person that I admired. You were a living legend: a god on the battlefield and a deity off it. At that time you were so far away, in a huge metal monster of a city, residing on a floor that nearly reached the sky. You always belonged there – in the endless blue depths. It took years for me to be closer to you to be more then just a scrawny brat in a no-name town. They never liked me there, more so after what happened to Tifa. It was unnerving how much dislike can people have. Not that I helped a lot.

Never thought I may be the type to pick fights? Well, I was... in a way. No, I was not social at any point in my life – the notion of it slightly unnerved me. I just wanted to be left alone, so I fought for it. I figured if the world doesn't like me, why should I like it? Soon I was on my way to Shinra for a new beginning.

I had many dreams – heroic, epic, laced with childish awe and naïveté. Some where even of my own death – a sacrifice to protect a friend, a fellow SOLDIER. Funny how it turned out, huh? I had to be the one protected… I never really wanted Zack to be a hero. It never was jealousy or anything of that sort. I always knew that heroes die… I told him he needn't be one. I wanted just him. He was more then enough. He never listens does he? Zack and his dreams… It puts me to shame really. All of my 'dreams' all of my aspirations revolved around you – praising me acknowledging me. As time went they turned more serious, idyllic even perverse. The goal was always the same it never changed – all I needed for you to see me.

You were my first crush

A childish feeling… When I first saw you, talking to us as per request of the president, I did not here a word you said. I saw your lips move, all the slight quirks (did you know that you slightly tilt your head and smirk but for a second when you are amused?), your voice. I was star struck. My heart felt as if it was going to burst or stop all together. I couldn't breath, even my brain froze – all I cared for were those unique eyes, praying for them to look my way, for those sensual lips to smile a private smile. Oh Gaia, no man is allowed to be so beautiful!

My little 'enlightenment' stopped all too soon. The assembly was over and you were gone in a flash of silver and black. After that I didn't see more then a glimpse of you until the Nibleheim mission. I had my dreams, I had my fantasies and they were enough o fuel my determination. Small steps… bit by bit until I could reach that unearthly beauty - reach you.

My feelings rapidly developed into something frightening – it wasn't love or worship. It wasn't even devotion or carnal need. These feelings turned into something divine, sacred – allowed only to be whispered. Did you know that even Zack had no idea of my true feelings? He always assumed it was a hero worship (albeit on a more honourable level) As soon as he found out that most of my thoughts revolve around you, he began feeding my addiction (for it could be nothing more) with stories of you being actually human, normal,_ touchable_…

My entire worlds took a turn around. I was determined more then ever to become a SOLDIER, to become somebody worth while. It started a fire that coiled inside me spiring me to push forward. The warmth it was as much as comforting as it was scorching. What if I was never going to be good enough? What if you already had somebody – somebody that was your everything? I never wanted you as a lover. I wasn't even curious about that. All I ever wanted to be was your entire world as you were mine.

All of it – my dreams, my aspirations, all the hard work, crumpled when I failed the exam. It hurt so much to become a failure, to have my silly little fantasies crushed. I couldn't leave, not like that. Not after all the suffering I endured. I stayed with Shinra – prepared to endure even more for a second chance to climb back to grace. I tried so hard to become better, heh, I even made plans what I was going to do differently. I was ready to do absolutely everything.

When that accursed mission came, I was already well into my new mindset. I feared to return back home – not because I was a failure (not entirely at least) but because it sickened me, that town resembling a nothing. They never told us who the SOLDIERS' we had to accompany were. I was prepared to see anyone. When I saw you my heart felt both ecstatic and terrified.

By then I had already formed a solid image of who 'you' are and I guess I couldn't stand the possibility of it being shattered. I need my salvation, I need my God. How terribly wrong it all had gone…

Did you know you were the very first man I had to kill? Do you know how much it hurt to attack you in such a cowardly way? I did have dreams of battling you, sometimes even defeating you, but not like this never like this. I was running on automatic – rage and fear cursed through my veins. You burnt Nibleheim, stabbed Zack, hurt Tifa, but worst of all your insanity destroyed the 'Sephiroth' I was addicted to. It hurt so much…

Darkness. Sickly green. Pain. Hojo.

When I woke up I was a mess. I couldn't remember so much and knew even less – it confused and scared me and yet amongst all that blood and the blank spots I could see a solid shape laced in pain – I could see you. It was easy to associate you with the pain, bring forth the need to find you, to neutralize you.

You became my very first enemy.

I never had one before. Rather odd, isn't it? I never could let you go. My mind subconsciously clung to you – no matter what you were – my saviour or my nemesis as long as you were there it was enough. When you sued me as your puppet I was appalled, disgusted. You killed Aerith. You destroyed the person Zack loved and I was the one who helped. It hurt to be the one to betray. I was even more determined to chase after you. It's a bit weird how nobody noticed my addiction. I myself wasn't even aware of it for a long time.

Only after Tifa helped me restore my memories did I understand. Realization hit me and hurt me. I enjoyed being your puppet, only because you need me, because I was not just another nameless face under your feet. Strange, how that turned out. Tifa meant to help me, not make it all the worse. I know it's unjust of me, disgusting, pathetic –and yet I was happy. Happy, because I finally made it – I became somebody worth of your attention. All the blood, all the grief, even meteor was worth it. Zack's sacrifice, Aerith's death, all the losses pale to the fact that you knew my name, that you spoke to me with such a soft tinge of hatred. I knew that if you hated me even the tiniest bit you will never forget me.

Once you told me that you'll never be just a memory. I don't want you to be one, no matter what I said. I always want you to return, even if I have to hurt you again. As long as you return, I'll always know that I won't be just a memory to you.

Sephiroth, hate me with all you have, try to destroy me, hell try to take over the planet, just return to me. You are my first and only obsession and I never will let go of you.

A/N: ...orz... i don't even know where this came from O-o. and sorry about the missleading title. I'm trying to write non slash stuff but yeah... I'm thinking writing another one about Sephiroth's feelings towards Cloud.


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